


Dear Alistair

by Adikia



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Gen, It's a letter, This warden made the ultimate sacrifice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-08 22:50:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8866513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adikia/pseuds/Adikia
Summary: A letter, found in a journal among the personal effects of Warden Tabris, the Hero of Fereldan.





	

Dear Alistair,

I sincerely hope you can read this. I've never been that great at writing, but I had hoped I got better after writing in my journal this past year. How awful would it be if I spent all that time on it and it turned out no one could even understand it? Then again it would be fitting considering how my life has gone so far.

So, if you can and are reading this... Alistair, I am so sorry. I have made a lot of selfish choices in my life and I am sorry you were affected by them. I'm sorry you must live with them. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better person, a better friend and just sit down and talk it through with you. I'm sorry I was not a better lover and stayed by your side when you needed me most. I'm even sorry I wasn't a better Grey Warden and did things the way they should have been done.

There are a lot of things I regret, things I will never get to make right, but never once have I regretted being with you. I might have thought you deserved better, but I never wanted anyone more in my life than I wanted you. And you.... You made me feel loved, wanted, and even needed. You made feel so many things I never dared to dream, even when I was a little girl growing up in the alienage. That's why I needed to write you this letter. I needed to apologize and I needed to explain. I owe it to you to explain myself and the choices that led here.

When you first told me about your father, I don't think it truly registered with me what that meant. The world of nobles and kings was so far from my own, from what was happening to us, that I couldn't quite grasp how much that knowledge actually meant. I suppose it hit a little harder when Arl Eamon told us his plan while we were in Redcliffe. I began to see it was possible, but I still rejected the idea. You didn't want to be king, and quite frankly I didn't want you to leave my side. I wanted us both to get our selfish wish after all the things we went through to get this far.

But then we went to Denerim and I saw the cost of selfishness. I saw my home plagued, my family torn, and my people desperate for help. I saw this, and I saw that no one was doing a damn thing to help them. I was so angry, so furious, so scared. There was so much wrong, and no one cared. Loghain and Howe were outright selling people into slavery, but even to the end none of those noble bastards gave two shits about the elves of the alienage. The gutter-rats. The knife-ears. Even if Anora apologized to my face and swore she never would have condoned slavery had she known, she didn't care about the people. The elves. I will admit my part in starting the riot, but these things do not simply happen without provocation. Unrest had been building for years. The injustices done to my people had started to grow in number.

Anora tried to brag many times that she ran this country, not Cailan, but it only condemned her in my eyes. She was not carefree and ignorant, as I saw Cailan to be. She chose to ignore the issue, to leave the Arl and his family to their own devices. She allowed the slaughter of so many innocents. Those children in the orphanage, the people who knew they deserved better and took a stand. All the nobles we met for landsmeet, even Eamon... Alistair, I could see that they did not care about the elves. Most of them wouldn't even admit there is a problem or bother to do anything about it. Then there was you, by my side during all this. You didn't look away, didn't pretend it wasn't happening or that there were more important things. You saw, and you were angry. You helped me to set what little we could right.

I tried to not be selfish, but I think it just turned out to be a different kind of selfish. I stood in the landsmeet and said you would be king because I knew if it was you, my people wouldn't be swept under the rug so easily. Maybe you couldn't set it all right, make them equals in the eyes of the other humans, but you would listen to their plight and seek to make things better. I talked to a bit before, about what you wanted and would you would do if necessary, but I am sorry that I made it a reality. I am sorry I put others above your feelings.

To add to the selfishness of the decision, I still wanted to be by your side. There was a more peaceful way to settle things, had you married Anora, but I pretended not to see it. For both of us, I told myself, but I know you would have done what's best for Fereldan even if you hated it. I saw that when you came to me after the landsmeet, so ready to be a proper king even if you didn't want it. I still tried to selfishly keep you to myself, even if there was no way we could have stayed together in the end. Even if I would have had to be your dirty secret, a lover in the dark. Even if I would have to eventually watch you marry some other woman, a human woman that better suited a king. I'm grateful that we got to be together until the end, but I am sorry. Perhaps it would have been easier if I had let us end there as you had wanted. Perhaps things would have gone differently, but I don't think this was ever going to end happily.

Things came crashing down after we talked to Riordan the night before the battle. He said he would take the blow, that we would not have to sacrifice ourselves, but he told us because he knew things might not work out that way. And I knew they wouldn't. If you are reading this, then I was right. If something in my life could go wrong, it always did, so I knew this time would be no different. When it came down to you or me, I made sure it was me.

Forgive me, Alistair, but I made my decision in that moment and there is nothing you could have done to dissuade me. There is a price for selfishness, and I must pay it. Have paid it. My choices set me on this path. There is nothing you could have done. Tonight I made my final choice, perhaps my final mistake, and I ask for you to understand and forgive me. I could not ask you to give your life when I led us here. So, I hope you understand in time.

All of you followed me to this point, Maker only knows why... But, while the Blight wasn't a good thing, I am so glad I became a Grey Warden. Despite all the death and tragedy, I'm so happy I left the alienage. I'm so glad I got to see so much of the world, even if the conditions weren't ideal. Meeting everyone, making all these strange new friends... I know being sappy doesn't suit me, but I loved the time we all had together. I hope they all know that.

Alistair... I need you to know how much I love you. Perhaps I didn't say it nearly enough while I still had the time. There is no one in the world who made me feel the way you do. Being in your company was some of the few moments in life I can remember being truly happy. You mean everything to me. I just wanted you safe. I wanted you to find the happiness you deserved. You are the best thing to ever happen to me, and I could never imagine a world without you. I understand if you are angry. I am so sorry for leaving you. I love you so much.

Hopefully you found this letter with my journal. If you want to read it, that is fine. There are a lot of things in there I never got around to telling you. If you don't want to keep it, that is also fine. Please give it to Shianni or my father if that is the case. Just be warned I wrote about you quite a bit. Do whatever you wish with whatever things I have. Just please give what money I have to father.

About Falon... If he did not follow his mistress across the veil, I hope you or one of our friends would look after him... Sten, maybe, if you don't wish to keep him or he doesn't want to stay with you. Just not Shale or Oghren. I do not want to burden my family with a dog when they can barely keep themselves fed. He'd probably be more comfortable with someone he knows, too. Give him extra love for me. Tell him I was proud to have him by my side.

There are so many more things I feel like I should be saying, but I fear I don't have enough ink or enough candlelight left. Tonight, I'll sleep in your arms as if nothing is wrong. I hope you'll find the happiness you deserve. I love you.

Always Yours,

Ashara Tabris

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is the first bit of anything in the fanfiction realm. I wrote it maybe two years ago after finishing Origins.
> 
> In my first playthrough I played a female city elf dual-wielding rogue, Adassa Tabris (now Ashara Tabris). She tried to do the right thing and remain calm and reasonable. She was, however, fiercely loyal and protective of her friends and family. She was independent, seemed somewhat aloof, but was always there to talk. And she fell for Alistair. He became king and she convinced him not to break up with her, but then she refused Morrigan's ritual and wouldn't even tell him about it. During the final battle, she ordered him to stay in the city while she went to Fort Drakon. 
> 
> This letter was meant to flesh out why she made the decisions she did. I also started imagining what a warden who knew they could die would leave behind. My other wardens might have written letters, but sweet Tabris was the only one who made the sacrifice.
> 
> So, as I said, I wrote this a while ago but decided to dust it off and polish it up a bit. I've been thinking about writing a story soon, so Dragon Age has been on my mind a lot. I've got a little written, but I want to wait until I have a decent amount to start posting. Also, alas, it's not about Adassa/Ashara. Too much sadness for me right now.


End file.
